How to Write Grief

You asked and I shall answer. Grief is a topic everyone will, inevitably, experience. It’s one of the universals in the world. And writing is a reflection of the world. It’s the lie through which we tell the truth. (Someone else said that, I just don’t know who) So our writing will carry over certain parallels from the world. These might not always be sadder emotions like grief –sometimes writers focus on joy and light. But grief is one of the more powerful themes because of how strong it is and because of its universality. 

As writers, it’s our job to write these emotions with honesty and humility. While we can write stories that don’t focus on grief or use it as a heavy theme, we can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. We owe it to our readers to tell them the truth and see them. That’s the reason we write about things like grief and loss, isn’t it? To love our readers. So they may see and be seen. 

There are five stages to grief, psychologically. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Everyone experiences these differently, so you have a good amount of wiggle room in your writing. A character does not have to conform to these perfectly, and there’s no true time frame. However, these are phases of grief that stay true through most loss. Let’s break them down. 

Denial. This is what it sounds like. It’s a coping mechanism. You’re rocked to your core. You don’t know how to go on, why to go on, why this person died. You can’t even fully believe or comprehend it. Denial is usually the first stage of grief, though it can pop up all throughout grieving. Whenever a character has screamed “NO!” or whispered “she can’t be gone,” they were experiencing this stage. 

Anger. Depending on the situation, this may be aimed at friends, enemies, themselves, God, etc. The pain of loss lurks underneath the anger, giving it strength. This is a stage that writers often focus on in their characters, using it to create a drive for revenge. And honestly, this can work. It’s a stage of the natural cycle of grief. But I encourage you to consider if it’s truly the path your protagonist would take, or simply the easiest one to write. 

Bargaining. We’ve all been here. If I’d done this… if this hadn’t happened… If… The character will not only bargain with their pain, they may be wracked with guilt. They think it’s their fault. They try to go back, to make deals to get rid of the pain. By bargaining and making deals, I don’t mean actually trying to trade away their pain like it’s tangible. I mean trying to rationalize it. This could be blaming themself, or trying to figure out why this happened. Ultimately, they just want the pain to go away. No one wants to hurt. But we all do. 

Depression. This may show up as drawing away from the world, shutting others out, or becoming numb to everything around you. Sadness roots itself into the character or person, and they might feel like they can’t escape it. Depression can be suffocating. Isolating. Numbing. There’s still no time frame for this. Depression lasts for weeks, months, years. But not forever. 

And finally, Acceptance. Acceptance is not being “ok.” We all know that you aren’t ever ok with the loss of someone or something. Acceptance is learning how to go on. Figuring out how to keep living without them. It’s not when your grief grows smaller, it’s when the world around your grief gets bigger. This stage might carry feelings of guilt with it, the character feeling like they shouldn’t be laughing when their loved one is dead. They might hate that their life is continuing. But eventually, they find a way to keep going. To keep living. 

Grief is not a linear thing. The stages may come in any order and are not a one and done deal. It might manifest itself as Depression one day and Anger the next. They might cycle through the same stage a hundred times in a week. If you want to know more about the stages of grief and how someone learns to cope through them, definitely check out grief.com. It’s where I did most of my research for this post and it’s full of good information. A few other good resources are this article from Cleveland Clinic (https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief)

Remember that every character is unique, as is every person. They will deal with their grief in different ways. Through every stage, grief is a highly personal thing. Each character will process emotions differently, be angry differently. I encourage you to go through your characters and look at each stage of grief. However you think best, describe how each character will experience each stage. 

For my own characters, Lily and Jason, they each grieve in a drastically different way. Lily is avoidant. She stuffs her feelings down and mainly experiences anger and depression, with smaller, repeating cycles of bargaining and denial. She thinks “what if” and refuses to answer that question. Lily tells herself she doesn’t care. She tries not to grieve. 

Jason is the opposite. He cares about everything. He lives mostly in a stage of bargaining and half-acceptance. Anger is the infrequently occurring visitor that he mostly tries to work through and set aside. Moments of depression take him and leave him melancholy. He lets himself grieve and then keeps going. 

Arguably the most important part of grief is how they come out the other side. I’m a Christian author. I write the dark to better show the light. As a writer, this is something to consider. Why did this character have to go through this? What’s going to happen through and beyond the grief? And most importantly, where is the light?  

In conclusion, grief is as multi-faceted as your characters. Though it can be broken down into five non-sequential stages, each character will still experience it differently. Take your time when writing grief. And don’t leave them in that grief. No one deserves to be hurting forever.